Throughout this blog we have been uncovering the truths
about domestic violence, now we are going to talk about the common myths and what people
believe about domestic violence. I am going to try and put myself in their
shoes and talk from their point of view. A lot of people believe that domestic
violence is unusual and hardly exists anymore, before it actually happened to
me, I did not know what domestic violence was or how important it was so I can
relate to these people. If you aren’t in some form involved in domestic
violence, a victim, family member, friend or even the batterer. Then how can
you know how much of a problem it is in our society today. When people don’t
come forward and stand up for themselves then how can we know and help bring
awareness. The reason domestic violence is such a quiet epidemic is because we
don’t see it or hear about it very often. People also believe that only women
are victims of domestic violence, until I started really researching domestic
violence I believed this, it is very rare to hear about a male victim you don’t
really hear about them coming forward until they have been severely injured. One
of the reasons men don’t come forward is because there aren’t many resources
for male victims of domestic violence as for women there is everything
shelters, websites, attorneys and they are easy to find. For men there are
fewer resources because we don’t believe that men are victims we don’t hear
about it or see it so how can we create these resources when we are unaware.
I believe we can
bring down the rate of domestic violence or at least bring up the rate of
people standing up and saying enough is enough if we work together. On the
victims end they need to start standing up for themselves and what they believe
in, and we need to start creating a safe environment for them so they won’t be
so scared to come forward and stand up for themselves. Also people who have
already come forward or have been involved in some form can help with bringing
awareness to the people who don’t know about it.
Most people believe that only women are victims of domestic violence. However, that is not true men can be victims of domestic violence also. It is more common for us to hear about women being abused than a man. In this section of the blog we are going to look at male victims and hear some of their stories.
In a conflicting survey taken by the
CDC in 2010, it was found that forty percent of victims of severe, physical
domestic violence are men, that number continues to grow today. There is an
article called “Men: The Overlooked Victims of Domestic Violence.” It says that
“Despite many findings that show almost equal amounts of abuse perpetrated
against men and women, the media and government focus the most attention on the
female victims of domestic violence. You can find that article and many others
on domesticviolencestatistics.org.
Often times men suffer physical abuse in silence and alone, because they are
afraid that nobody will believe them or take them seriously. Some men who do
try and get help are mocked and ridiculed. It is unlikely that people would
tell a battered woman that getting beaten by her husband or significant other
wasn’t a big deal. People often do not think twice about saying that to a
battered man. Often times men are too embarrassed to admit to being abused.
What society is telling us is a “real man” is expected to “Control” his wife or
significant other. Aside from embarrassment, it may also make them feel that
they are somehow less of man. It doesn’t matter if you are a man or a woman, abuse
is never the victims fault, and it is never okay.
Understanding the Batterer: What Causes Domestic Violence?
Why do people become batterers/abusers?
There is no single reason for abuse. Violence is a means of
trying to exercise power and control over someone else. Many batterers were
victims of abuse as children or came from families in which spousal abuse was
prevalent. It is important to remember, however, that not all people who were
victims of abuse as children will turn into batterers. At the core of the abuser’s
behavior lies a perception that the victim is not a person but a possession.
They may truly imagine that they love their significant other, but it is in the
same sense that they ‘love’ their car or their CD collection. A variety of
influences may underlie the abuser’s need to turn a person they love into a
completely dependent and less than fully human object.
·Upbringing: A child raised in a home in which
parents engaged in abuse may grow up to believe that abuse is a normal part of
relationships.
·Immaturity: A teenager who was overindulged, as
a child may never have learned to see other people as equals, since his wishes
and desires were granted special status.
·Role perceptions: Society teaches boys to be
dominant, emotionally insensitive and “in control.” Excessive identification
with this image, or inexperience and insecurity in dating relationships may
cause the abuser to exaggerate those characteristics to the point of becoming
abusive. This tendency will be especially strong if the boy suffers from
feelings of powerlessness and low self-esteem.
·A sociopathic or psychopathic personality: For
reasons not fully understood, occasional individuals are born without the
normal human capacity to empathize with the pain and needs of others. They are
utterly self-centered, amoral and inclined to crime and violence. The risk they
pose to society is heightened by the fact that they are often superficially
charming and skilled at manipulating others. Fortunately, they are about as
rare as they are dangerous.
Can you identify a potential batter/abuser?
Just as there is not one reason for abuse, there is not one
type of batterer. Many batterers are highly successful professionally and in
other areas of their lives. With history and society to support their beliefs,
they may have little remorse or regret over battering. You cannot tell just by
looking at a person whether or not they are an abuser. An abuser may be your
next door neighbor, a friend, someone with whom you work, or a person whom you
pass on the street. They may hold high profile jobs, be out of work, using
drugs, or have a drinking problem. No level of society is exempt. There are
certain characteristics that most abusers share. Here is a list of mannerisms
that may identify a potential abuser, but it does not necessarily mean because
a person displays these mannerisms that they are an abuser.
·Family History: If your partner was raised in a
family where abuse was commonplace, there is greater potential that they may in
time become an abuser. Their family life has been one of violence for as long
as they remember. Consequently, violence and abuse are a natural way of life to
them.
·Jealousy: Is your partner jealous of the time
you spend with friends and family? Does he/she constantly accuse you flirting
with others? As jealousy progresses, your partner may call you frequently
during the day or come home unexpectedly. In some cases, you may be asked or
forced to quit working. The abuser will say that jealousy is a sign of love and
concern when in fact it has nothing to do with love. Jealousy is a sign of
possessiveness, insecurity, and lack of trust.
·Controlling Behavior: Does your partner become
angry when you don’t listen? Are you constantly being questioned if you are
late coming home from shopping, work, or an appointment? Is your partner the
one who controls the money, makes all the household decisions, and tells you
what you can or can’t wear? Does this person try to confine you to the house or
to a particular room within the house? The abuser will explain this behavior as
being motivated by their concern for your safety and welfare. This behavior
serves the need of the abuser to dominate, rather than fulfill the needs of
their partner.
·Quick Involvement: Were you “swept off your
feet”? Did your partner proclaim love at first sight? Were you pressured into
committing to a relationship before you felt ready? Were you made to feel
guilty if you wanted to take more time to really get to know the person? Many
abused people dated or knew their abusers for less than six months before
making a commitment to them.
·Isolation: Is your partner constantly
criticizing your friends and family? Are there complaints that you spend too
much time with friends and family and that you are neglecting or ignoring
him/her? Does it sometimes seem too much trouble to visit with friends and
family? Do you inevitably end up staying home instead of going out? An abuser
will try to isolate the victim from friends, family, or anyone who may be able
to help. The abuser knows that the more contacts the victim has, the more
likely they are to defy the abuser and leave.
·Blames Others for Problems: Are you blamed for
your partner’s mistakes? Are you told that life is unfair and everyone is out
to get them? Abusive people do not hold themselves accountable for the abuse
they commit and rarely take responsibility for their actions. They manipulate
the victims into believing that it was their fault and eventually the victim
ends up believing this to be true.
·Hypersensitivity: Everyday occurrences such as
being asked to do chores, to work overtime, or suffering a slight setback are
seen as insults or personal attacks by the abuser. They usually are
quick-tempered and lash out spontaneously at other people. Abusers typically
have low self-esteem, and their self-confidence may be so fragile that even
constructive criticism is seen as a threat.
·Cruelty to Animals or Children: Often the abuser
seems insensitive to pain and suffering of animals if he is punishing them.
Children may be expected to do things far beyond their abilities and may not be
allowed to eat at the table or be in the same room with the adults of the
household. Often they will tease children to the point of the child crying.
Insensitivity to children or animals is common in abusers because abusive
people are generally not considerate of the feeling of others. Sixty percent of
men who beat the women they also beat their children.
Are men violent because they lose
control?
No. Domestic Violence is not a
form of losing control; it is an attempt at gaining control. Most acts of
violence are premeditated, occurring behind closed doors. It may seem as though
the batterer is losing control because of his angry behavior. To that end, most
batterers are very good manipulators. They know how to convince others and
their victims that they are not at fault for their actions.
Do drugs and alcohol cause
domestic violence?
The need to exercise power and
control is the cause of domestic violence. Drugs and alcohol enable people to
lose their inhibitions, and cloud sound judgment. As a result, violence may be
exacerbated by the use of these substances. It is important to remember,
however, that it is not the cause.
Addressing the link between
addiction and domestic abuse:
The relationship between addiction and
domestic violence can form in multiple ways. One example of this is when
alcoholics and drug addicts create an atmosphere of battery and abuse in their
home. Another example is the relationship that exists between substance abuse
and the trauma associated with experiencing domestic violence. Behavioral
Health of the Palm Beaches has developed a Domestic Violence and Addiction
program to help end the cycle of domestic violence in their patients’ lives by
rehabilitating abusers and victims while treating their drug and/or alcohol
problems.
For more information on abuse and how to get help visit Loveisrespect.
“Do People Who Stay in Abusive Relationships Like the Abuse?”
To start this off I will say that I do not believe people
like being abused. There are many other reasons why people choose to stay in an
abusive relationship. For me, when I would break up with my boyfriend he would
injure himself and blame it on me. He would say that if I came back he would
stop so I did. Just because he did not treat me well does not mean that I did
not care for him, and still care for him to this day. In this post we will dig
deeper into why people choose to stay in an abusive relationship. Here are some
reasons why victims stay in abusive relationships,
fear of loneliness, economic dependence, fear of greater physical danger,
belief that partner will change.
Here are some reasons I believe people choose to stay in
abusive relationships. In this I am including some of my story so that you can
see how these reasons relate.
Fear: They may be scared of what will happen if they decide
to leave the relationship. They may have been threatened by their partner or
their partner may have threatened to harm their family or friends, and they may
not feel safe leaving. Believing Abuse is Normal: They may not know what a
healthy relationship looks like. Perhaps from growing up in an environment
where abuse was common, they may not recognize that their relationship is
unhealthy. Fear of Being outed: If they are in a same-sex relationship and have
not yet come out to everyone, their partner may threaten to reveal this secret.
Being outed may feel especially scary for young people who are just beginning
to explore their sexuality. Embarrassment: It is probably hard for them to
admit that they have been abused. They may feel they have done something wrong
by becoming involved with an abusive partner. They may also worry that their
friends and family will judge them. Low Self-esteem: Their partner probably
constantly puts them down and blames them for the abuse, it can be easy for
them to believe those statements and think that the abuse is their fault. Love:
They may stay in an abusive relationship hoping that their abuser will change.
Think about it, if a person you love tells you they will change, you want to
believe them. They may just want the violence to stop, not for the relationship
to end entirely.
For me I felt a lot, I was afraid that it might get worse if
I left. I was embarrassed and afraid to tell my family, I thought that they
would be angry at me or not care at all. He made me feel like I was worth
nothing and my only value was being with him. I loved him and he told me he
loved me and he told me he was going to change but the time came where it got a
lot worse and not any better. I couldn’t wait any longer.
Social/peer pressure: Their abuser may be popular if that is
the case, it can be hard for a person to tell their friends for fear that no
one will believe them or that everyone will take the abuser’s side. Cultural
Religious Reasons: Traditional gender roles can make it difficult for women/men
to admit to being sexually active or abused. Also, culture or religion may
influence them to stay rather than end the relationship for fear of bringing
shame upon their family. Pregnancy/Parenting: They may feel pressure to raise
their children with both parents together, even if that means staying in an
abusive relationship. Also, the abusive partner may threaten to take or harm
the children if they leave.
We had the same group of friends so I feared that they would
believe him instead of me. Which in the end they did, it was very hard
realizing that the people you thought were your friends ended up leaving you
and not caring. I grew up in church, he and I went to the same church and the
same youth group. I feared that the church would judge me, and not believe me.
After I told my family and the church, the leaders of our church did not handle
it well. Even though I had a restraining order the church said that they would
not do anything if he were to come near me. It felt like they shunned and were
judging me. The pastor and my youth pastor no longer talked to me, if I went
and said hi to them they would either ignore me or had a tone like I was
bothering them and they would say hi and hurry away.
Puppy-love phenomena: People often do not believe that teens
actually experience love. So if something were to go wrong in the relationship,
they may feel like they have no one to turn to or that nobody will take them
seriously. Distrust of Police: Many people do not feel that the police will
help them, they also may feel that the police can’t help them so they don’t
report the abuse. Language Barriers/Immigration Status: Many victims may be
afraid to come forward if they are undocumented, they may be scared that if
they report the abuse it will affect their immigration status. Also, they may
not speak English there for it may be difficult for them to express the depth
of their situation.
The reason I finally left the relationship was because he
hit me at first I wasn’t sure if it was an accident or on purpose. I thought
maybe I did something wrong and it was my fault. I wasn’t planning on telling
anybody, but right after it happened I had to leave for work. That day at work
I was having a hard time counting peoples change and seeing the computer
screen, basically I couldn’t focus on anything. I then had a customer ask me
what had happened to my face, I wasn’t sure what they were talking about so I
went to take my 15-minute break and that’s when I saw a huge red mark on my
face. After work I went to my mom’s birthday party, I cover the red mark with
makeup. When I got there everything was going great except we stated to play
phase 10 and I couldn’t see the numbers I kept getting confused on what color
was what. My family started to notice something was wrong I told them It was
just a headache. Eventually the makeup started to wear off and by that point
the red mark had started to turn black and purple, I finally told my family
what had happened, but told them that it was an accident he didn’t mean to even
though I know that, that wasn’t true. Three days later I went to the doctor my
parents told me that if I didn’t tell the doctor what happened they would. So I
told them and they had to call the police, they also diagnosed me with a
concussion. I spent a couple hours talking to the police. The police officer
eventually asked if I wanted to press charges and I said no. The state however
also had the power to press charges because I went to the hospital. The police
officer told me that I needed to break up with him and get a restraining order.
So I started the process the next day. At our first court date he decided to
fight against the restraining order so I asked the judge if he would give me
two weeks to find legal representation, the judge had to ask my abuser if he
was okay with that, he of course said no but the judge granted me it anyway.
When I went to meet with my first attorney she told me that there was no way I
could win because he only hit me once, that really pissed me off. How many
times do I have to get hit for it to not be okay and worth this attorney’s
time? I then went and found another attorney and we won in the end. However, I
disagree with a lot of what the court system makes the victim do in the process
of getting a restraining order.
1.You have to sit in the same room as your abuser,
and tell the judge everything that happened to you while your abuser is sitting
right in front of you. Can you imagine how that might make the victim feel and
how scared they must be.
2.If you don’t have an attorney, you have to
question your abuser yourself and ask him questions about what he did to you.
Nobody should have to do that, yet many women do because they were financially
dependent on their abuser.
More reasons people might stay in abusive relationships are.
Lack of money: victims may have become financially dependent on their abusive
partner. Without money, it can seem impossible for them to leave the
relationship. Nowhere to go: anybody can leave an abusive relationship,
however, they may think that it is impossible to leave because they have
nowhere to go or no one to turn to once they do leave the relationship. This
feeling of helplessness can be especially strong if the person lives with their
abusive partner. Disability: They may be physically dependent upon their
abusive partner; they can feel that their well-being is connected to the
relationship. This dependency could heavily influence their decision to stay in
an abusive relationship.
After I ended my relationship I thought that I would never
get married or date anybody again. I thought that guys would turn away and
think that I am worth nothing. I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to trust
anybody again, I still have that issue but I am slowly working on it.
·Every 9 seconds in the US a woman is assaulted
or beaten.
·Around the world, at least one in every three
women has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during her
lifetime. Most often, the abuser is a member of her own family.
·Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury
to women, more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined.
·Studies suggest that up to 10 million children
witness some form of domestic violence annually.
·Nearly 1 in 5 teenage girls who have been in a
relationship said a boyfriend threatened violence or self-harm if presented
with a breakup.
·Every day in the US, more than three women are
murdered by their husbands or boyfriends.
·Ninety-two percent of women surveyed listed
reducing domestic violence and sexual assault as their top concern.
·Domestic violence victims lose nearly 8 million
days of paid work per year in the US alone, the equivalent of 32,000 full-time
jobs.
·Based on reports from 10 countries, between 55
percent and 95 percent of women who had been physically abused by their
partners had never contacted non-governmental organizations, shelters, or the
police for help.
·The costs of intimate partner violence in the US
alone exceed $5.8 billion per year: $4.1 Billion are for direct medical and health
care services, while productivity losses account for nearly $1.8 billion.
·Men who as children witnesses their parents’
domestic violence were twice as likely to abuser their own wife’s than sons of
nonviolent partners.
In this Blog we will be learning and uncovering the theories
and truths about domestic violence. People have different perceptions on
Domestic Violence. Many people believe that women who stay in abusive
relationships like the abuse. Also many people do not understand how
significant the issue of Domestic Violence is. Another perception society has
is that only women are victims of Domestic Violence. On our journey through
this blog we will uncover the truth about Domestic Violence. Bringing awareness
to Domestic Violence has become a priority in my life, I was in an abusive
relationship for two years. It finally ended last year, January 2015, when I
suffered a three-month long concussion and much more.
Domestic Violence:
The definition of Domestic Violence is: “acts of violence or
abuse against a person living in one’s household, especially a member of one’s
immediate family.” Definition found on dictionary.
Abuse however, can be in many forms such as, psychological/emotional, physical,
verbal, sexual, financial, and many more. It will most likely start out psychological/emotional
or verbal, but in the long run will lead to more physical. Why does any of this
matter you may be asking? Domestic Violence is in many ways, a quiet epidemic.
Though in plain sight, victims are often invisible, fearfully denying their
situations and hiding behind the façade of a happy home. But the statistics
reveal a shocking reality. Every nine seconds, a woman in America is assaulted
or beaten, according to the National Coalition Against
Domestic Violence. A mind-boggling on in three women (and on in four men) have been a victim
of [some form of] physical violence by an intimate partner within their
lifetime, the group also reports. That makes intimate partner violence “the
single greatest cause of injury to women,” per the Domestic Violence Intervention
Program.
The one question our culture often asks of victims/survivors of domestic abuse
is: “Why do/did you stay in an abusive relationship?” or “Why don’t you just
leave?” Sometimes the question is meant as an honest inquiry. However, often it
is spoken with an undercurrent of hostility or disbelief “If you wanted to
leave, you would have.” Sending a message that people who stay in abusive
relationships are somehow to blame for their abuse.
Frequently asked questions
about domestic violence, that we will be talking about throughout this blog
are; “Do people who stay in abusive relationships like the abuse?”, “Why do
people become batterers/abusers?”, “Can you identify a potential
batterer/abuser when you meet him/her?”, “Are victims of domestic violence
‘weak’ people?”, “Are people violent because they lose control?”, “Do drugs and
alcohol cause domestic violence?” and “What can I do if I, or someone I know is
being abused?” I look forward to you joining me in this open conversation, that
I believe is very relevant in our society today.
