“Do People Who Stay in Abusive Relationships Like the Abuse?”
To start this off I will say that I do not believe people
like being abused. There are many other reasons why people choose to stay in an
abusive relationship. For me, when I would break up with my boyfriend he would
injure himself and blame it on me. He would say that if I came back he would
stop so I did. Just because he did not treat me well does not mean that I did
not care for him, and still care for him to this day. In this post we will dig
deeper into why people choose to stay in an abusive relationship. Here are some
reasons why victims stay in abusive relationships,
fear of loneliness, economic dependence, fear of greater physical danger,
belief that partner will change.
Here are some reasons I believe people choose to stay in
abusive relationships. In this I am including some of my story so that you can
see how these reasons relate.
Fear: They may be scared of what will happen if they decide
to leave the relationship. They may have been threatened by their partner or
their partner may have threatened to harm their family or friends, and they may
not feel safe leaving. Believing Abuse is Normal: They may not know what a
healthy relationship looks like. Perhaps from growing up in an environment
where abuse was common, they may not recognize that their relationship is
unhealthy. Fear of Being outed: If they are in a same-sex relationship and have
not yet come out to everyone, their partner may threaten to reveal this secret.
Being outed may feel especially scary for young people who are just beginning
to explore their sexuality. Embarrassment: It is probably hard for them to
admit that they have been abused. They may feel they have done something wrong
by becoming involved with an abusive partner. They may also worry that their
friends and family will judge them. Low Self-esteem: Their partner probably
constantly puts them down and blames them for the abuse, it can be easy for
them to believe those statements and think that the abuse is their fault. Love:
They may stay in an abusive relationship hoping that their abuser will change.
Think about it, if a person you love tells you they will change, you want to
believe them. They may just want the violence to stop, not for the relationship
to end entirely.
For me I felt a lot, I was afraid that it might get worse if
I left. I was embarrassed and afraid to tell my family, I thought that they
would be angry at me or not care at all. He made me feel like I was worth
nothing and my only value was being with him. I loved him and he told me he
loved me and he told me he was going to change but the time came where it got a
lot worse and not any better. I couldn’t wait any longer.
Social/peer pressure: Their abuser may be popular if that is
the case, it can be hard for a person to tell their friends for fear that no
one will believe them or that everyone will take the abuser’s side. Cultural
Religious Reasons: Traditional gender roles can make it difficult for women/men
to admit to being sexually active or abused. Also, culture or religion may
influence them to stay rather than end the relationship for fear of bringing
shame upon their family. Pregnancy/Parenting: They may feel pressure to raise
their children with both parents together, even if that means staying in an
abusive relationship. Also, the abusive partner may threaten to take or harm
the children if they leave.
We had the same group of friends so I feared that they would
believe him instead of me. Which in the end they did, it was very hard
realizing that the people you thought were your friends ended up leaving you
and not caring. I grew up in church, he and I went to the same church and the
same youth group. I feared that the church would judge me, and not believe me.
After I told my family and the church, the leaders of our church did not handle
it well. Even though I had a restraining order the church said that they would
not do anything if he were to come near me. It felt like they shunned and were
judging me. The pastor and my youth pastor no longer talked to me, if I went
and said hi to them they would either ignore me or had a tone like I was
bothering them and they would say hi and hurry away.
Puppy-love phenomena: People often do not believe that teens
actually experience love. So if something were to go wrong in the relationship,
they may feel like they have no one to turn to or that nobody will take them
seriously. Distrust of Police: Many people do not feel that the police will
help them, they also may feel that the police can’t help them so they don’t
report the abuse. Language Barriers/Immigration Status: Many victims may be
afraid to come forward if they are undocumented, they may be scared that if
they report the abuse it will affect their immigration status. Also, they may
not speak English there for it may be difficult for them to express the depth
of their situation.
The reason I finally left the relationship was because he
hit me at first I wasn’t sure if it was an accident or on purpose. I thought
maybe I did something wrong and it was my fault. I wasn’t planning on telling
anybody, but right after it happened I had to leave for work. That day at work
I was having a hard time counting peoples change and seeing the computer
screen, basically I couldn’t focus on anything. I then had a customer ask me
what had happened to my face, I wasn’t sure what they were talking about so I
went to take my 15-minute break and that’s when I saw a huge red mark on my
face. After work I went to my mom’s birthday party, I cover the red mark with
makeup. When I got there everything was going great except we stated to play
phase 10 and I couldn’t see the numbers I kept getting confused on what color
was what. My family started to notice something was wrong I told them It was
just a headache. Eventually the makeup started to wear off and by that point
the red mark had started to turn black and purple, I finally told my family
what had happened, but told them that it was an accident he didn’t mean to even
though I know that, that wasn’t true. Three days later I went to the doctor my
parents told me that if I didn’t tell the doctor what happened they would. So I
told them and they had to call the police, they also diagnosed me with a
concussion. I spent a couple hours talking to the police. The police officer
eventually asked if I wanted to press charges and I said no. The state however
also had the power to press charges because I went to the hospital. The police
officer told me that I needed to break up with him and get a restraining order.
So I started the process the next day. At our first court date he decided to
fight against the restraining order so I asked the judge if he would give me
two weeks to find legal representation, the judge had to ask my abuser if he
was okay with that, he of course said no but the judge granted me it anyway.
When I went to meet with my first attorney she told me that there was no way I
could win because he only hit me once, that really pissed me off. How many
times do I have to get hit for it to not be okay and worth this attorney’s
time? I then went and found another attorney and we won in the end. However, I
disagree with a lot of what the court system makes the victim do in the process
of getting a restraining order.
1.
You have to sit in the same room as your abuser,
and tell the judge everything that happened to you while your abuser is sitting
right in front of you. Can you imagine how that might make the victim feel and
how scared they must be.
2.
If you don’t have an attorney, you have to
question your abuser yourself and ask him questions about what he did to you.
Nobody should have to do that, yet many women do because they were financially
dependent on their abuser.
More reasons people might stay in abusive relationships are.
Lack of money: victims may have become financially dependent on their abusive
partner. Without money, it can seem impossible for them to leave the
relationship. Nowhere to go: anybody can leave an abusive relationship,
however, they may think that it is impossible to leave because they have
nowhere to go or no one to turn to once they do leave the relationship. This
feeling of helplessness can be especially strong if the person lives with their
abusive partner. Disability: They may be physically dependent upon their
abusive partner; they can feel that their well-being is connected to the
relationship. This dependency could heavily influence their decision to stay in
an abusive relationship.
After I ended my relationship I thought that I would never
get married or date anybody again. I thought that guys would turn away and
think that I am worth nothing. I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to trust
anybody again, I still have that issue but I am slowly working on it.
Domestic Violence Statistics:
·
Every 9 seconds in the US a woman is assaulted
or beaten.
·
Around the world, at least one in every three
women has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during her
lifetime. Most often, the abuser is a member of her own family.
·
Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury
to women, more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined.
·
Studies suggest that up to 10 million children
witness some form of domestic violence annually.
·
Nearly 1 in 5 teenage girls who have been in a
relationship said a boyfriend threatened violence or self-harm if presented
with a breakup.
·
Every day in the US, more than three women are
murdered by their husbands or boyfriends.
·
Ninety-two percent of women surveyed listed
reducing domestic violence and sexual assault as their top concern.
·
Domestic violence victims lose nearly 8 million
days of paid work per year in the US alone, the equivalent of 32,000 full-time
jobs.
·
Based on reports from 10 countries, between 55
percent and 95 percent of women who had been physically abused by their
partners had never contacted non-governmental organizations, shelters, or the
police for help.
·
The costs of intimate partner violence in the US
alone exceed $5.8 billion per year: $4.1 Billion are for direct medical and health
care services, while productivity losses account for nearly $1.8 billion.
·
Men who as children witnesses their parents’
domestic violence were twice as likely to abuser their own wife’s than sons of
nonviolent partners.
Amanda,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your post, it was very informative and interesting. The statistics you shared are mind blowing; I had no idea that this type of abuse was such a serious thing that a lot of people experience. I can definitely see how some of these factors play into a person staying in an abusive relationship. It is nice to hear your story because I feel that this helps others who may be dealing with a situation like this feel supported and comforted. Your post is empowering to women who need help. How do you think we can raise awareness of this issue and help women feel that there is help and support out there? I hope that your blog will help at least one person become free of this abuse.
-Crystal
Hi Amanda,
ReplyDeleteI really am enjoying how your blog is developing, I really found it interesting that you included statistics. It really added to the importance of your post and gave crucial information that readers need to know. For me personally, I am shocked at some of those statistics, and I don't know if they make me more sad or angry. You're doing a great job relating it to your personal life as well, because it makes you credible to talk about the subject, and also strong to do so. I think your post makes me wonder, what age or women is mostly guilty of staying in an abusive relationship? Also, how can we drop these numbers of women in these relationships? I extremely agree with the information n how people don't trust police, and it is so unfortunate that a lot of people don't. It makes me wonder if the justice system was different, if the frequency of abusive relationships would decline. I really cannot wait to see what information you find and put out on here, it really is something great! Good job!
Cristel Lemming
Amanda, I am really impressed with the depth of the information in your blog. It confirms that you have done a lot of thinking and have gained a lot of honest knowledge. Great for you! And great for those you may be able to help in the process.
ReplyDeleteA couple of things that came to my mind while I was reading your post. Personally, I think that how people react to the issues of abusive relationships has a lot to do with maturity and understanding of the world. In general, people who haven't experienced any hardships tend to assume that solutions are clear cut. They don't see that the situation is complex and are unable to comprehend the attached "strings" of conflicting emotions, of being dependent from the partner or of having no knowledge of available support. As you have pointed out, such relationships are always set in a certain context and are never as easy to deal with as "pick-up-and-go."
I am really sorry to hear, though, that your church has been of no support to you. I have had a similar experience in my life and that's how I have learned that often churches will have more tendency to shoot their wounded than to bind their wounds. That should not be so. However, if people within a church operate on wrong set of premises that do not allow them to recognize that there is suffering present even within their own ranks, then they aren't both equipped or able to look that suffering into face and bring it the needed comfort.
Another factor, both for the church setting in which you and your boyfriend were involved and for the mutual friends, it is important to remember that often abusive people are skillful manipulators and, as such, they will never present themselves to the outside world in the same way as they show themselves to the partner they abuse. It matters to them to create the best image of themselves with the outside world because they can't control it in any other way; while with their partner, they can discard all the appearances because they have gained other ways to control them. That is also one way in which they isolate the partner from the outside world, they play on people's inability to tell what's true and what's projected.
And as for the law enforcement, do you think there may be ways to change the emotionally charged ways of the proceedings? I know that the law states that the accused has the right to face their accuser, but in case of abusive relationships this just adds to the amount of the toxicity of the situation. The abused person is already torn by a million painful feelings and depleted of emotional resources, so having to face their tormentor may seem beyond what he or she can do. I am sure that is why so many cases go unreported, because if a person can manage to separate themselves from the suffering without major repercussions, choosing not to have anything further to do with the source of their grief will seem to be the best solution. Do you know if there is any organization which may be trying to change that scenario?
Hello,
ReplyDeleteI find your blog to be very informative and powerful. It is really sad that so many women in the US are abused, and the facts that 1/3 of women around the world are abused. I found it alarming that in the US alone, a woman is abused every 9 seconds. Before reading your second post, I had wondered why women would stay in these types of relationships; and reading that women tend to stay for peer pressure, financial and income stability, or fear of being helpless all do make sense. However, it is still unacceptable for men to abuse their partner. I also feel like society doesn't make abuse as big of an issue as it should.
After reading about what happened in your church, I was disappointed with how the situation was handled. Given the statistics that 1/3 of women are abused, people shouldn't take signs or suspicions of abuse lightly. In the Civil Air Patrol, whenever a cadet reaches the age of 17 they are required to take a test on cadet protection, which includes knowledge and procedures on how to handle abuse and/or reasonable suspicion of abuse. If an adult member has a reasonable suspicion of abuse, it is MANDATORY to report it immediately, and if it is not, membership termination as well as the possibility of legal action will be taken. I strongly believe that a firm procedure of reporting abuse should be instilled in the workforce, as well as adopted by churches and private organizations.
I have learned a lot more from your latest post, and I am eager to learn more from your blog. I am curious, will you be informing us on the warning signs of an abuser, before the actual abuse happens? Also, I want to know what sorts of signs of abuse that may not manifest as physical signs, such as bruising, and what outsiders can do to help or look for.
Thank you for drawing attention to this topic!
Mitchell Ritter
Amanda,
ReplyDeleteThis entry is very strong and has a great overview of what women go through in there abusive relationship. It opens doors to thing that are the lead or cause to abuse in relationship. The idea of this entry is well thought and makes a great deal of sense of why women stay in this kind of relationship. I do agree with you that all women or men don’t like the abuse and that it’s deeper then what’s on the outside. One question that did arise is do you think men are the key role of abuse in relationships?
Mong