Understanding the Batterer: What Causes Domestic Violence?

Understanding the Batterer: What Causes Domestic Violence?

                                         

Why do people become batterers/abusers?

There is no single reason for abuse. Violence is a means of trying to exercise power and control over someone else. Many batterers were victims of abuse as children or came from families in which spousal abuse was prevalent. It is important to remember, however, that not all people who were victims of abuse as children will turn into batterers. At the core of the abuser’s behavior lies a perception that the victim is not a person but a possession. They may truly imagine that they love their significant other, but it is in the same sense that they ‘love’ their car or their CD collection. A variety of influences may underlie the abuser’s need to turn a person they love into a completely dependent and less than fully human object.

·         Upbringing: A child raised in a home in which parents engaged in abuse may grow up to believe that abuse is a normal part of relationships.

·         Immaturity: A teenager who was overindulged, as a child may never have learned to see other people as equals, since his wishes and desires were granted special status.

·         Role perceptions: Society teaches boys to be dominant, emotionally insensitive and “in control.” Excessive identification with this image, or inexperience and insecurity in dating relationships may cause the abuser to exaggerate those characteristics to the point of becoming abusive. This tendency will be especially strong if the boy suffers from feelings of powerlessness and low self-esteem.

·         A sociopathic or psychopathic personality: For reasons not fully understood, occasional individuals are born without the normal human capacity to empathize with the pain and needs of others. They are utterly self-centered, amoral and inclined to crime and violence. The risk they pose to society is heightened by the fact that they are often superficially charming and skilled at manipulating others. Fortunately, they are about as rare as they are dangerous.

 

 

Can you identify a potential batter/abuser?

Just as there is not one reason for abuse, there is not one type of batterer. Many batterers are highly successful professionally and in other areas of their lives. With history and society to support their beliefs, they may have little remorse or regret over battering. You cannot tell just by looking at a person whether or not they are an abuser. An abuser may be your next door neighbor, a friend, someone with whom you work, or a person whom you pass on the street. They may hold high profile jobs, be out of work, using drugs, or have a drinking problem. No level of society is exempt. There are certain characteristics that most abusers share. Here is a list of mannerisms that may identify a potential abuser, but it does not necessarily mean because a person displays these mannerisms that they are an abuser.

·         Family History: If your partner was raised in a family where abuse was commonplace, there is greater potential that they may in time become an abuser. Their family life has been one of violence for as long as they remember. Consequently, violence and abuse are a natural way of life to them.

·         Jealousy: Is your partner jealous of the time you spend with friends and family? Does he/she constantly accuse you flirting with others? As jealousy progresses, your partner may call you frequently during the day or come home unexpectedly. In some cases, you may be asked or forced to quit working. The abuser will say that jealousy is a sign of love and concern when in fact it has nothing to do with love. Jealousy is a sign of possessiveness, insecurity, and lack of trust.

·         Controlling Behavior: Does your partner become angry when you don’t listen? Are you constantly being questioned if you are late coming home from shopping, work, or an appointment? Is your partner the one who controls the money, makes all the household decisions, and tells you what you can or can’t wear? Does this person try to confine you to the house or to a particular room within the house? The abuser will explain this behavior as being motivated by their concern for your safety and welfare. This behavior serves the need of the abuser to dominate, rather than fulfill the needs of their partner.

·         Quick Involvement: Were you “swept off your feet”? Did your partner proclaim love at first sight? Were you pressured into committing to a relationship before you felt ready? Were you made to feel guilty if you wanted to take more time to really get to know the person? Many abused people dated or knew their abusers for less than six months before making a commitment to them.

·         Isolation: Is your partner constantly criticizing your friends and family? Are there complaints that you spend too much time with friends and family and that you are neglecting or ignoring him/her? Does it sometimes seem too much trouble to visit with friends and family? Do you inevitably end up staying home instead of going out? An abuser will try to isolate the victim from friends, family, or anyone who may be able to help. The abuser knows that the more contacts the victim has, the more likely they are to defy the abuser and leave.

·         Blames Others for Problems: Are you blamed for your partner’s mistakes? Are you told that life is unfair and everyone is out to get them? Abusive people do not hold themselves accountable for the abuse they commit and rarely take responsibility for their actions. They manipulate the victims into believing that it was their fault and eventually the victim ends up believing this to be true.

·         Hypersensitivity: Everyday occurrences such as being asked to do chores, to work overtime, or suffering a slight setback are seen as insults or personal attacks by the abuser. They usually are quick-tempered and lash out spontaneously at other people. Abusers typically have low self-esteem, and their self-confidence may be so fragile that even constructive criticism is seen as a threat.

·         Cruelty to Animals or Children: Often the abuser seems insensitive to pain and suffering of animals if he is punishing them. Children may be expected to do things far beyond their abilities and may not be allowed to eat at the table or be in the same room with the adults of the household. Often they will tease children to the point of the child crying. Insensitivity to children or animals is common in abusers because abusive people are generally not considerate of the feeling of others. Sixty percent of men who beat the women they also beat their children.

Are men violent because they lose control?

No. Domestic Violence is not a form of losing control; it is an attempt at gaining control. Most acts of violence are premeditated, occurring behind closed doors. It may seem as though the batterer is losing control because of his angry behavior. To that end, most batterers are very good manipulators. They know how to convince others and their victims that they are not at fault for their actions.

Do drugs and alcohol cause domestic violence?

The need to exercise power and control is the cause of domestic violence. Drugs and alcohol enable people to lose their inhibitions, and cloud sound judgment. As a result, violence may be exacerbated by the use of these substances. It is important to remember, however, that it is not the cause.

Addressing the link between addiction and domestic abuse:

 

The relationship between addiction and domestic violence can form in multiple ways. One example of this is when alcoholics and drug addicts create an atmosphere of battery and abuse in their home. Another example is the relationship that exists between substance abuse and the trauma associated with experiencing domestic violence. Behavioral Health of the Palm Beaches has developed a Domestic Violence and Addiction program to help end the cycle of domestic violence in their patients’ lives by rehabilitating abusers and victims while treating their drug and/or alcohol problems.



 

 

 

For more information on abuse and how to get help visit Loveisrespect.